Random Thought: Building Up The Destroyed Walls

Everything is falling apart, all of a sudden, it collapsed in front of me and I can't do something about it.I felt the pain and agony inside me.I couldn't express and tell how does it happen? I couldn't explain the feeling.The sad fact. Even this blog couldn't express how I felt right now.

It's blue.

I am alone.

Lonely.

In this place, I became a stranger.

Nobody understands. I couldn't explain myself and nobody cares to ask.

Help is nowhere to be found!

Then I began to build up my walls again (again!).
In this wall... I can keep myself from people who wants to hurt me. In this wall... I am aloft and nobody will see it. So, these walls stand tall.
I want to build it to protect myself from hurting.
Anytime they might destroy me, but all I want is to hide in this huge wall.

God wants it to be remove... but I won't because,.. I am still hurting. In some point, He's asking me to remove it in order for me to  be healed.
But this odd rebellious feeling craving for revenge is fighting back.

I can't explain how sad I am right now. And no one cares. It's killing me.

She's coming back. But I don't want to bring back my old self because she's very prideful, arrogant, cruel and suicidal. There are uninvited thoughts of wishing to die--
But how can I face God if I'm like this.

But where will I go from here? This world, I feel like I don't belong. But I could hardly grasps the Heaven because of sins and guilt that drifts me away from God.

My Lord, I don't know who I am anymore. The enemies are dictating of who I am and what will I become... and I started to believe it. It's getting me weaker and weaker everyday.

But I still believe that God is in the process of rescuing me. So I have to hold on and endure the pain because... God will rescue me in this pit of death. I pray that these walls will not go stronger and taller until to the point where it bury me to death.

I'll wait.. I'll wait...

I pray and I'll Hold on...
still...
Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount their wing like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.